


Your BJs are the only BJs that i want.

by SeanConneraille



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alpha Derek, Crack, Everyone Is Alive, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post Season 2, Pre-Slash, Sick Stiles, Texting, The Hale Pack - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 19:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5016967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeanConneraille/pseuds/SeanConneraille
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Stiles and Derek don’t speak the same language and Laura was a lying liar who lied.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your BJs are the only BJs that i want.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this a long time ago so this takes place after season 2 and Derek is still an alpha and everybody’s still alive and everything is good. 
> 
> Also, crack!fic if you didn't notice in the tags.
> 
> It's my first fic in english so you’re allowed to yell at me in private if you see any mistakes.
> 
> Thanks artemis69 for your help ♥ and i'm seanconneraille on tumblr too.

 

The text comes when he’s still in bed, sweating his ass off, blankets up to the nose and trembling fingers reaching for his phone. He does expect it. The text. What he doesn’t expect is to be thrown into alternate universe shit at 9 on a saturday morning while fighting the remnants of a nasty flu.

 

**that bj was so bad i swear im gonna rht.**

 

He has to look three times at his phone before Stiles really believes that this is a real text from Derek (or maybe not ‘him’. The text is there though and sent from Derek’s phone) and not a feverish hallucination.

 

_WHAT??!!??!_

**rip his throat. i thought u knew text language being a super hype teen or else.**

_WHAT? not the point? why did u talk abt bj??! WTF!!! derek?! are u drunk??!?? did somebody steal your phone? u not at that fucking american packs conference? and omg never use hype again, plz._

**calm down. u shouldn’t tire yourself ur still sick. and no. nobody stole my phone. and yes. i am at the conference. actually suffering through the worst bj ever. and by the look of everybody else in the room they all think alpha lewis’ bjs are as bad as i think they are. i really miss yours.**

Stiles blinks at his phone. Throws a desperate look at the window. Blinks at his phone again.

_WHAT??!! that conv doesn’t make sense at all. HOW DO YOU KNOW?...???!!!!!,?!!!!!...did i sleepwalk or smthg?_

**still got some fever u don’t remember your bjs and how much u like it.**

_how??? Whatthehell!!!! I’VE NEVER!!!_

**of course u have ur always doing it. its like breathing for u. always bragging about them. u should rest u seem tired.**

 

Stiles is...lost. Completely. Totally. Lost. And the fever _really_ doesn’t help. What is happening?

_OK I THINK THERE HAS TO BE A VERY BIG! A MONSTRUOUS!!  MISUNDERSTANDING SOMEWHERE IN THIS CONVERSATION. I DON’t wanna talk to you until you come back. You’re right i need rest and i’m losing the last bits of my sanity just texting you._

**u dont need to freak out so much. i don’t understand. everybody knows about your special gift. your father told me about your last bj just yesterday.**

 

WHAT? WHAT THE EFFING FUCK WHAT???

 

_im gonna rince my eyes with acid THIS RIGHT FUCKING MOMENT. I HATE U!!! i dont know what i did to u but you’re the worst. THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!! please stop talking. it’s not nice to make fun of me because i couldn’t come with you guys and i’m stuck at home with that fucking cold and yall are having fun with other packs and bonding and everything :((((_

**what. where did i make fun of you?**

_yeah. right. keep it up._

**what are you talking about.**

_what are YOU talking about derek?_

**you’re weirder than usual i don’t think it’s your sickness speaking. i’m asking erica.**

_I DON’T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Stiles has just thirty seconds of sulking time before the next text comes through. And this one starts just a little to make sense.

**i showed her the texts and she just keeps laughing like a maniac.everybody’s looking at us. boyd is smiling. boyd. smiling. why?**

 

And why not spell everything for him too?

_OMG!!! IM NOT TELLING U WHY!!! ITS RIGHT UNDER_ _UR_ _WOLFY NOSE JUST LOOK AT_ _UR_ _TEXTS!! And OMG you just used ponctuation, was it your first time using a question mark?_

**shut up i ponctuate if i want and i don’t see anything wrong.**

_I DON’T KNOW DUDE. MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE YOU FUCKING KEEP TALKING ABOUT BLOWJOBS EVERYWHERE._

**WHAT.**

_What WHAT. YOU WHAT._

Confusion on all fronts. Very good. They’re not a disfonctional pack. Not at all. Communication is great. The best!!! So amazing, people will talk about it for centuries after their death.

**i don’t understand anything. did your fever rise again...wait. does bj stand for blowjob?**

_is it a nightmare? I’m gonna wake up now, please_

_-_

_stilinski  i don’t know what you told derek but he looks like he’s silently dying from the inside, i see it in his eyes and i’m scared he’s gonna pop a vein in the middle of the meeting. erverybody’s glancing more or less subtletly at him. they’re all waiting to see if he explodes or not. here’s your award batman, nobody would think he’s not an alpha after a face like this, look how red it is._

_*attached file: pic of derek’s internally dying face*_

_-_

**hum. sorry. i did not know. laura always told me it was the shortcut for ‘bad joke’.**

Stiles is not insane, yay! Laura was, yay! Also Derek must have been such an oblivious teenager Stiles is melting from the inside also feeling super sad because there was a time where Derek _could be_ that oblivious. Stop it Stiles. No depressing shit.

**i guess it explains some things in my past.**

_OMG!!  no prob big guy. you got me worried, i thought i had lost my mind or were having a very delirious dream. Also i’ll be traumatized forever with pics of my dad..._

**SORRY.**

_yeah, you can be. you totally repay me for that btw._

**i will.**

_maybe..._

**what.**

_maybe you could help erase those horrific mental scars with real memories?_

**what do you mean?**

_i mean i’m totally down for a bj exchange if your down for it too._

**...**

_And this one’s not a bad joke :)_

-

_*Laura Hale cackling to death in the after-life*_


End file.
